I'm...

This weeks been a real kick in the pants for me for multiple reasons...But here's a comprisement of my thoughts this week...

I'm going to do this! I can do this! I NEED to do this!
Ugh I will NEVER have anymore kids! This ones too much!
Poor baby...I just wish I knew what was wrong with him...
Oh my lanta no more babies! Gaaaa!
He's so precious...I can't wait to have more. I'm like an addict!
Think pink think pink daddy! We want a baby sister! (No we're not trying but I'm already going through spurts of wanting another)
What's wrong with him!?
Oh look...He pooped! Yay!
Noooo moooore kids! He's so frustrating!
Ugh, I'm so fat! I'll never get this weight off!
I wish I had a gym right in my livingroom...Then I could do this.
How on earth am I ever going to get this weight off...
I'm so un-attractive...How can my husband even stand me?
If I could just get this weight off I'd never put it on again...EVER.
Soooooo fat....Bleh!
I wish I had a partner who was in this with me...
I wish I had a husband who wanted to lose weight...
I wish I had a gym I could go to.
How on earth will I ever get this weight off when life's just going to get more and more hectic?
I wish I had someone to motivate me and do this with me...
How am I ever going to lose this weight.
I'm going to workout...But I doubt it'll make a difference.
This is hard...What if I slide back down and fail?

Okay...That's a compilement of my week...And it's only Thursday. I've been really struggling this week with food and exercising and just feeling FAT. I feel so incredibly disgusting and tell Robby frequently I don't know how he can even stand to be around me or be attracted to me. I'm just plain gross....Bless the man for loving me and wanting to be with me even at my worst...My bodies been through so much and has so many scars to bear that standing in front of the mirror (naked) is hard...There's just SO much not going for me. It's been a frustrating week feeling alone in this journey as well...Robby's busy and so he's head is certainly not in the weight loss game. I just feel frustrated and alone. Having a fussy baby all week hasn't helped my case either. He's been having tummy issues so we're trying to work those out. Hopefully we'll all have a better weekend and next week. Hopefully by then I'll get out of my funk before I pack on the 10 pounds I worked so hard to lose...Here's lookin' to better times!

Also...Last night as I rocked my sweet baby before bed; he cuddled snuggly in my arms with his little legs wrapped around my round tummy (it makes for a great cushion to set him on) I just reflected on being a mom.

I NEVER envisioned it being so hard!
I NEVER envisioned it being so rewarding!
I NEVER envisioned myself loving someone as much as I do. He is my heart and soul, he is my everything!
I NEVER envisioned this being so trying and difficult! I knew it'd be hard...I knew I wouldn't get sleep or, whatever...But I NEVER knew how much time and frustration would go into being a mom.
I NEVER envisioned feeling more proud and happy to be someone's momma.
I NEVER envisioned one little smile bringing so much joy to my life. 

Being a mom has been a huge reality check for me. Until you're a mom you just can't even IMAGINE how hard and difficult it'll be at times. You also can't imagine how wonderful, blissful, and rewarding it will be also. I'm so grateful for my little man and all the tears, laughter, joy, and love he brings into our home. Oh how I love that sweet baby boy!

My world.

Bebe's Room

So one of my projects for the past month or so has been trying to get baby Robby's room put together. The poor thing hasn't officially had a cute little nursery or room since he was born, and I still had that desire/wanted to decorate his room! I tossed around the idea of making it more like a little boys room and less like a nursery (since he is 8 months old for crying out loud) but I just couldn't resist making it all cutsie! I'm pretty much obsessed with jungle theme and so that's what I went for with his room. I'm still not total done and haven't put this project to rest. But over-all it's pretty much complete. I've still got a few wall projects I want to do and have to deal with a wide glaring blank wall, but for the most part here it is!

One of the 1st things I made was his name sign, I love it.

One wall of his room....I also made his curtains as well which I love!

The goofy lamp I covered and put the material on up-side down! I may be re-covering this bad boy...

Another wall of his room.

And another wall...

I LOVE these little canvas pictures I made! I just wish I could've gotten canvas' a little larger than 8 x 8.

And this glaring huge blank wall....I'm thinking a shelf or some toy storage along it? I've got some ideas but it requires spending more of Robby's hard earned money and I think he's about sick of me investing money into this room ;)

So that's it! Over-all I'm so pleased with his room. There's still alot of white space and I think having tile in the room doesn't help...IF we stay I think I'll be looking for a cute area rug to go in there as well. I'm thinking of making a hanging diaper holder as well, and of course my few extra wall projects. Looking at his room over-all it deff. needs some more jungle theme to it, so I think I'll be tieing the same little animal shapes I used on the canvas onto other aspects of his room. I didn't want to go too over-board and wanted to keep it fairly clean and simple so I'll call it quits...For now ;)

Burn Baby Burn

So like WAY back in May you might recall me writing a post about losing weight yatta yatta? Well almost 2 months later I've FINALLY got the first 10 pounds off...Well 11 pounds if we're getting technical. And I told myself with every 10 pound mark I'd write a post and take pictures. I really didn't think my pictures would look any different because in all actuality I have SO far to go (we're talking pre-wedding weight/size) that 10 pounds doesn't seem that great and I still feel fat yatta yatta. But I took the pictures anyway because it's still 10 pounds off! It's kind of bitter sweet for me because it's 10 pounds I worked off but I still have so far to go that it seems minuscule in the big scheme of things. But never-the-less here's the results!

Before

After

 Once I started looking I could see little changes here and there. My belly's not as crazy and my butt's not quite as bubbled at the top. I'm thinking another 10 pounds and some changes will REALLY be noticeable, I'm excited!

Before

After

Before

After

These last 2 are prolly my favorite, because you can just tell I'm not quite as rolly-polly as I was. It's very gratifying to see the little changes because going through this day by day I don't think anything has changed! But it's actually working! What's been working for me (And would work fabulously if I'd keep my head in the game ALL the time) is just cutting down my starches and watching the sugar and sweets! That's it really! I'm not a big sugary drink or soda person so that's not a problem it's just the major sweet tooth and carb lover that's the problem! So keeping my starches in check (like MAYBE 2 servings but let's not get crazy here) and practically no sweets has really done it for me. Work-outs have been the real struggle with a little one because lets face it...The last thing I really wanna do once he goes down for a nap is workout...I'd rather watch some trashy TV or get on Pinterest. But I've been trying! And hopefully I'll start getting better as I get more and more motivated to lose the weight. 20 pounds off here I come!

20 pounds lost, here I come!

A Day for Daddy's

Yesterday was our 1st time celebrating Father's day in our home and I think it was a total success. It was so fun to brainstorm ideas of how to make the day special for Robby and for him to get to have his big day. I kept things relatively simple because after all, I've got a lot of Father's days to do and I'm going to have to out-do myself every time. Better set the bar low for starters. :)

All of my ideas were inspired by Pinterest, including dessert. I don't know what I'd ever do without it in my life now haha! It's kind of cheating...Because Robby didn't have Pinterest to help him he just had to wing it! Oh well!

Father's Day package for Robby

Happy Father's Day to the Best Daddy...Hands down! :)

We Love You to Pieces!

You're never jerky to us and always happy to see us and spend time with us!

Best POP Ever! :)

It may all kind of seem cheesy and corny...But I'm that kind of gal, and Robby pretty much expects cheesy and cute stuff from me by now and he humors me by loving it to bits! It was fun to surprise him with it.

AND now some pictures of the honorary father..

Aren't they so handsome!? I'm such a lucky gal...

We love daddy!

AND NOW...For dessert! I got this idea from Pinterest so check out my "Father's Day" board if you are so tempted to try. Or just come to my house right now...I've got over half a pan left cause there's only the 2 of us to eat it and we're really trying to watch out eating! It's so delectable and rich I could have died after eating it! It took me over an hour in prep time to make it so ya...I'm bragging about this delicious morsel just a bit.

Sweet yummy morsel of goodness..

What could be better than oreo, reese's, chocolate, in a cold dessert on a hot summer day?

So that's just a little about our Father's day. I'm so incredibly thankful for the men in my life and especially my husband. He's my rock and my soft place to fall. He's the father of my baby and our hard working man. I'm incredibly lucky!!

A Baby's Story...

So un-like most people who have a baby and own a blog I failed to write up our birthing story. For many reasons but namely because A) I thought I was gonna die and B) I was so incredibly sleep deprived that blogging was the last thing on my mind and C) Did I mention I thought I might die? Between those and many other small reasons I just never got around to it. Even after my wee one coming up at 7 months I still reflect back to that day and what it meant...and didn't mean for me...

Baby Robby's due date was November 13th, 2011, and up till the last month of my pregnancy everyone pretty much assumed he'd either come then or a little after. After all, most first time mom's go past their due date as they told me; something I wasn't really looking forward to! But as the weeks trudged on and I went in for my weekly appointments my measurements started getting farther along. By the last week of my pregnancy I was measuring 2 weeks ahead, so it was decided then that I would go in for one of those ultrasounds where they try to determine the size of the baby. Robby had been asking them about this for WEEKS because he really wanted to know how big this kid was gonna be! I...thinking I was going to have to push this kid out of me wanted to know just how big myself! So on November 8th we went in for that ultrasound. The ultrasound tech. informed us after it was all over that this kid was showing up at 9lbs 2oz give or take. The funny thing is she was only off by 1oz! He ended up being 9lbs 3oz so those things are pretty accurate! As I sat dumb founded that I actually had a kid that big inside of me the RN consulted with the Dr. over the phone (Who was at the Hospital) if I should be induced. Being the naive and desperate female that I was at the time (I was HURTIN and ready for that kid to be OUT!) I really encouraged and supported being induced. So after discussing it with the Dr. and between me having a large kid inside and being 2cm dilated already he agreed that I should be induced, hurray! We're gonna have a baby soon!

We were scheduled to go to the Hospital on November 9th at 8PM. I would be staying the night and they would start me on Pitocin that evening. I had a stomach full of nerves and was so nervous and excited for what was to come. I was ready to get the ball rolling and have this baby! I was ready to experience child birth and prove I could do this! I wanted to do this! I was scared out of my mind but with my mom and husband at my side I knew I could do this! The love of my life and the one who birthed me are a pretty good team I'd say to have! So off we went with the mindset of delivering this baby tomorrow! Robby was a little bummed because he wanted him to be born on 11.11.11, but I didn't think I could possibly wait another day!!

I was one big mama! No wonder I had back pain and couldn't sleep!

When we got to the hospital we got all checked in and I adorned one of those fabulous gowns. If I was shy or had any modesty left it went out the window with that gown on and that first nurse! She said we were about to get really personal and close and she wasn't kidding! Haha. After they got me hooked up with my IV and got the Pitocin drip going I was checked to see what I was at and I was actually at a 4 when we got there! Great news! Everyone had high hopes of having a baby possibly in the night or early morning. I was given a sleeping pill and told to try and get some rest. With SO much pressure on me to really try to relax and get some sleep I ended up getting pretty much NO sleep that night. All I kept thinking was "You gotta go to sleep you gotta go to sleep you need your strength and rest so you can have this baby tomorrow." But between that and one of the stupid monitors I was hooked up to going off every 30 minutes I didn't get much sleep at all. At one point my nurse came in to check on me and asked how I was doing and I just started to bawl. All the pressure of trying to get rest and relax and not being able to had me quite wound up. I remember her being so sweet and running her hand on my head and just telling me it'll be ok and that even if I don't actually sleep just laying here and relaxing will help. She was SUCH a great nurse! I wish I could have kept her the entire time!

All checked in and rearin to go!

So the night went on and I laid there amongst the sound of my babies heartbeat and my own thoughts. Listening to his little heart beat and thinking how he would soon be in my arms was calming all in itself. I couldn't wait. Did I mention Robby stayed with me all night? I was so grateful he stayed there...Wasn't the best sleeping conditions but I loved just knowing he was nearby in case I needed him.

Morning came and things REALLY started to heat up with the Pitocin. The Dr. came in at 6:30AM and broke my water and I really began to feel those contractions and strong! One pain in the butt towards the end of my pregnancy was my stupid blood pressure. It gave me a run for my money in the end and was nothing but a bother in the Hospital as you'll soon read. So the contractions started and they kept monitoring me and as things got more intense my blood pressure got higher and higher. So they had to put me on some sort of medicine (I didn't take note of the name) to help bring my blood pressure slowly down because I was informed if they didn't get it down I could start having seizures because of the alarming number it was at. Awesome. So by the end of the morning I had 4 or 5 bags being pumped into me from my IV. There was the Pitocin, fluids, Antibiotics, and this medicine for my blood pressure that made me feel nauseated and like I was going to black out constantly!

As the day progressed the contractions got stronger and stronger. And by stronger and stronger I mean they were one on top of the other. When one contraction would end another would begin and they were INTENSE! I just remember my mom telling me to breath which helped tremendously! Every time one started I just started to cry and clutch the railing while holding my breath. She kept informing me I needed to breath and that it would help. It really did help...And it kept me distracted some what from the intense pain going on elsewhere in my body. Well the Dr. came in and checked me around noon and I was at an 8! I'm almost there I thought! We're gonna do this!

It was never my intention to have a natural birth, I mean...I was all for drugs if needs be! But in some sick and crazy way I really wanted to do without drugs or see just how far I could push myself without drugs before they were needed. I wanted to prove to myself that I could take the heat and do without the drugs. So for at least an hour I suffered with the one on top of another contractions until I thought I may pass out. My mom encouraged me to get an epidural because lets face it...I was in bad shape! I'd like to think that if the contractions weren't one after the other I could have handled it but..We'll never know!

So I consented. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me an epidural and it was wonderful! He was so good and sweet and everything went off without a hitch. I'm thankful I got a wiz at epidurals that day cause I had enough craziness already going on! My mom held me and coached me through the on going contractions while the epidural was adminitered and being the sweet gal I am I let my hubby watch, because I knew he wanted to watch! He's crazy like that. :)

After the epidural kicked in I felt awesome! I highly recommend them except for the fact that epidurals are known to make your blood pressure drop. Which in my case was good...I needed it to go down! But it was bad...Cause bebe's heart rate started to decrease. Around 2 the nurse came in and checked me...I was still at an 8 and the baby wasn't engaged at all. For those of you who may not know what that means...It means bebe wasn't ready to come out! His head wasn't engaged or down in the birth canal where it should be when it's getting close to that time. So between his not being engaged and his heart rate decreasing the Dr. was called in to asses the situation. He checked me and tried to see if there could be something done to get little man down but he was NOT ready to come out. So with a dis-heartening look he told me he was sorry and that we'd have to perform a C-Section. My heart broke...

I knew there was a slight risk of a C-Section, but I honestly hadn't prepared for it to be me nor had I imagined it would ever happened! I knew generally about a C-Section but I never imagined. I was completely heart broken and just began to bawl. I felt ashamed...I felt as if I hadn't done it...I remember looking up at Robby with tear filled eyes and asking him if he'd still love me if I had to have a C-Section. He said of course...He said all he wanted was our son to be born and me to be okay. He admitted to me later he was scared out of his mind about me having a C-Section, but he didn't admit that at the time.

I was prepped and wheeled in and at 2:26PM my little 21 inch 9lb 3oz baby boy was born. I remember holding Robby's hand and listening to everything going on on the other side of the "veil" and hearing that little cry for the first time. I just started to bawl and when they held him up for me to see I really lost it! All I kept thinking was, "He's here! He's here and he's crying!" It was surreal...

I remember once they had him all cleaned up they brought him back in for me to hold (With my one free arm ha) and I remember him crying as they brought him in and as soon as they laid him down next to my face I started to talk to him and he immediately stopped crying. I like to think he heard his mommy's voice and it just calmed him. Cause that's how it seemed...Ah...He was perfect! 9lbs may sound big, and he may look big in pictures, but he was our little guy. Oh my he was perfect and I was so anxious to hold him and feed him and bond with him! One of the things that upset me the most about not delivering him vaginally was I had envisioned the moment he was born them placing him on my chest and just holding him. I had heard and read so much about how it's important to bond with them immediately and I just felt heart broken when I realized that wouldn't be a reality anymore. I worried I wouldn't be able to bond with my baby and that I wouldn't love him or something stupid like that. But after those first couple minutes I can't imagine being more in love with him than I was. I just can't!

Being that I had a C-Section I was required to stay at least 2 days for monitoring and healing. I would have gladly stayed as long as they wanted me to looking back now, but at the time my mom was only going to be there for a short time and I really just wanted to get home so she could help me with the bathing him and what not. Due to my stupid blood pressure being so high they wanted to keep me longer for monitoring and to try and get it to go down, so I ended up staying in the Hospital from the 9th to the 13th...I was SO ready to go home by then! But like I said...Looking back..I would have stayed longer! The bed was a lot easier to sleep on and get in and out of than at home, free room service, and free meals prepared for me with constant care and monitoring was pretty good looking back!

So if any of you actually read all of that there's the story...I remember after he was born people asking how much he weighed and when I'd tell them they'd be like, "Woah girl good for you! Big boy to push out!" I remember feeling so ashamed and embarrassed that I had had a C-Section that I would just go along with it and be like "Yaaa..." I didn't want to admit that I had had a C-Section. I felt like having a C-Section made me less of a mom or woman because I didn't push my baby out and labor to get him in this world. I almost felt like...Like I didn't deserve him cause I didn't work to get him in this world. To this day I am still struggling with feelings like that. That's why I'm writing this right now because at least once a week I think back and wonder what if...What if I hadn't been induced...What if I had waited and things had gone differently and I could have had him vaginally. A part of me feels like I was robbed of my right to birth my child. I feel so much sadness and bitterness at not getting to birth my own child. I will say this...Pitocin is for the devil and I will never be induced unless it's highly encouraged by my Dr! I'm going to give it my all to have my next baby vaginally and I'll wait well past my due date if permitted to have my baby! I know a lot of people who have had babies vaginally might not think it's that big of a deal, or even women who have had C-Sections. But I just can't seem to shake this feeling of feeling less of a woman and feeling like I didn't do it. I really wanted to prove to myself that I could hack child birth and now I'm not sure if I'll ever get the chance...I've just really been struggling with these emotions the past 6 months and I sure hope someday I shake them...I'm so incredibly thankful for my son and love him to death! He is my world and I'd do anything for him but how he got in this world is just not how I envisioned it.

I'm An Addict.

It's true...I really am. There's no other way of putting it when you're over-weight and like food. I'm an addict! My mom and I were discussing this a few days ago and it's no different than someone addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or pornography. You gotta cut the craving from your life. And at first it's gonna SUCK! You get anxious and want that fix. For me, it's junk food. That sweet fix of something yummy on your tongue loaded with sugar and fat just takes the edge off. And once you get that fix you can function in life again and things just don't seem so bad. But as soon as you run out you gotta have it again and again! Usually regretting that you did the un-thinkable, AGAIN!

Almost 2 weeks ago I wrote about starting to lose weight and exercise. And..well...I've lost. A pound. In 2 weeks that's not really good enough. Granted along the way I've had several days where I just couldn't take it any more and I had to get my fix. I noticed it takes about a week to detox the body. At least if your addiction is food. I noticed after that first week that I was feeling pretty good and wasn't thinking about the junk food as much. But then we went out of town for the day and of course eating out and buying sweets ruined that. Since then this past week has been a rocky climb again. So I'm starting a new week today and I'm recommitting myself.

Hi, I'm Brittany Ladle. And I'm a food addict. 

My mom and I are really trying hard to lose 10 pounds before she comes (Or at least she is...I'm nursing and I'm not sure 10 pounds in a month is good but I'm gonna try my hardest just to NOT eat the junk!) and she's really my support group thus far. If anyone else would like to admit they are a food addict and join in please let me know. I'm still trying to figure out what motivates me...I thought money? A trip? What will help motivate me? I've always thought a goal outfit was a good motivator. So when we were at the Mall last Saturday I got a SUPER CUTE JUMPER that I REALLY wanna fit into! So this is my goal outfit.

It's simply perfect! It's got pockets (I LOVE pockets on stuff!), a high waist-band, LONG pant legs, and it's made out of thin material so it'll be perfect for wearing here come this fall. It's gonna look good...But it's gonna take a good 15 or 20 pounds before it fits! So...that's my motivator. It hangs in my closet and I take it out and look at it every so often...I think I'll be looking at it alot this week!

Robby started running today so that's a good push for me to work out too. If he's getting up at 5AM to run I can surely work out during the day while bebe is happy or sleeping. I'm gonna do this gosh dangit!

So anyway...Not much progress thus far but I'm re-committed and admitting I have a problem!

OUR NEW PLACE!!

Alright all you happy patient people...I've got pictures!! Some rooms are still a work in progress but I know you've waited oh so patiently for. So here ya go!!

Livingroom from front door.

From Dining room opening

Dining room. There's a whole other side across from the table that I'm trying to figure out what we'll put there. Perhaps a wall table and mirror?

Kitchen from Pantry opening.

Kitchen from window.

Back door and Pantry.

Pantry, and lots of cubboard space! Thank goodness!

Our room...A work in progress..We're looking at getting a desk maybe to put in the corner? And of course the bed is still not made with all the pretties on it...

The rest of our room..Please excuse the bra hanging..I'm a bra-less kind of gal...I'd fit perfectly in the 60's/70's.

Bathroom

Me standing in the shower to give you another angle of the bathroom.

Awesome large closet we're fully taking advantage of.

Bebe's room. A HUGE work in progress but I'm on my way! I'll be blogging about that soon enough.

And the cute kid who's waiting for his room to be done!

Front of the house.

Right side...I LOVE our trees! It'd be perfect if we had grass.

Left side of house...We had a garage to store MORE stuff in haha.

This is for you mom! LOOK! They're still alive and so pretty!

From across the street. We're the corner house!

Well that about sums it up! I'm hoping to have bebe's room complete in a week or so which I'm really excited about! So look for pictures coming soon!