So un-like most people who have a baby and own a blog I failed to write up our birthing story. For many reasons but namely because A) I thought I was gonna die and B) I was so incredibly sleep deprived that blogging was the last thing on my mind and C) Did I mention I thought I might die? Between those and many other small reasons I just never got around to it. Even after my wee one coming up at 7 months I still reflect back to that day and what it meant...and didn't mean for me...
Baby Robby's due date was November 13th, 2011, and up till the last month of my pregnancy everyone pretty much assumed he'd either come then or a little after. After all, most first time mom's go past their due date as they told me; something I wasn't really looking forward to! But as the weeks trudged on and I went in for my weekly appointments my measurements started getting farther along. By the last week of my pregnancy I was measuring 2 weeks ahead, so it was decided then that I would go in for one of those ultrasounds where they try to determine the size of the baby. Robby had been asking them about this for WEEKS because he really wanted to know how big this kid was gonna be! I...thinking I was going to have to push this kid out of me wanted to know just how big myself! So on November 8th we went in for that ultrasound. The ultrasound tech. informed us after it was all over that this kid was showing up at 9lbs 2oz give or take. The funny thing is she was only off by 1oz! He ended up being 9lbs 3oz so those things are pretty accurate! As I sat dumb founded that I actually had a kid that big inside of me the RN consulted with the Dr. over the phone (Who was at the Hospital) if I should be induced. Being the naive and desperate female that I was at the time (I was HURTIN and ready for that kid to be OUT!) I really encouraged and supported being induced. So after discussing it with the Dr. and between me having a large kid inside and being 2cm dilated already he agreed that I should be induced, hurray! We're gonna have a baby soon!
We were scheduled to go to the Hospital on November 9th at 8PM. I would be staying the night and they would start me on Pitocin that evening. I had a stomach full of nerves and was so nervous and excited for what was to come. I was ready to get the ball rolling and have this baby! I was ready to experience child birth and prove I could do this! I wanted to do this! I was scared out of my mind but with my mom and husband at my side I knew I could do this! The love of my life and the one who birthed me are a pretty good team I'd say to have! So off we went with the mindset of delivering this baby tomorrow! Robby was a little bummed because he wanted him to be born on 11.11.11, but I didn't think I could possibly wait another day!!
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| I was one big mama! No wonder I had back pain and couldn't sleep! |
When we got to the hospital we got all checked in and I adorned one of those fabulous gowns. If I was shy or had any modesty left it went out the window with that gown on and that first nurse! She said we were about to get really personal and close and she wasn't kidding! Haha. After they got me hooked up with my IV and got the Pitocin drip going I was checked to see what I was at and I was actually at a 4 when we got there! Great news! Everyone had high hopes of having a baby possibly in the night or early morning. I was given a sleeping pill and told to try and get some rest. With SO much pressure on me to really try to relax and get some sleep I ended up getting pretty much NO sleep that night. All I kept thinking was "You gotta go to sleep you gotta go to sleep you need your strength and rest so you can have this baby tomorrow." But between that and one of the stupid monitors I was hooked up to going off every 30 minutes I didn't get much sleep at all. At one point my nurse came in to check on me and asked how I was doing and I just started to bawl. All the pressure of trying to get rest and relax and not being able to had me quite wound up. I remember her being so sweet and running her hand on my head and just telling me it'll be ok and that even if I don't actually sleep just laying here and relaxing will help. She was SUCH a great nurse! I wish I could have kept her the entire time!
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| All checked in and rearin to go! |
So the night went on and I laid there amongst the sound of my babies heartbeat and my own thoughts. Listening to his little heart beat and thinking how he would soon be in my arms was calming all in itself. I couldn't wait. Did I mention Robby stayed with me all night? I was so grateful he stayed there...Wasn't the best sleeping conditions but I loved just knowing he was nearby in case I needed him.
Morning came and things REALLY started to heat up with the Pitocin. The Dr. came in at 6:30AM and broke my water and I really began to feel those contractions and strong! One pain in the butt towards the end of my pregnancy was my stupid blood pressure. It gave me a run for my money in the end and was nothing but a bother in the Hospital as you'll soon read. So the contractions started and they kept monitoring me and as things got more intense my blood pressure got higher and higher. So they had to put me on some sort of medicine (I didn't take note of the name) to help bring my blood pressure slowly down because I was informed if they didn't get it down I could start having seizures because of the alarming number it was at. Awesome. So by the end of the morning I had 4 or 5 bags being pumped into me from my IV. There was the Pitocin, fluids, Antibiotics, and this medicine for my blood pressure that made me feel nauseated and like I was going to black out constantly!
As the day progressed the contractions got stronger and stronger. And by stronger and stronger I mean they were one on top of the other. When one contraction would end another would begin and they were INTENSE! I just remember my mom telling me to breath which helped tremendously! Every time one started I just started to cry and clutch the railing while holding my breath. She kept informing me I needed to breath and that it would help. It really did help...And it kept me distracted some what from the intense pain going on elsewhere in my body. Well the Dr. came in and checked me around noon and I was at an 8! I'm almost there I thought! We're gonna do this!
It was never my intention to have a natural birth, I mean...I was all for drugs if needs be! But in some sick and crazy way I really wanted to do without drugs or see just how far I could push myself without drugs before they were needed. I wanted to prove to myself that I could take the heat and do without the drugs. So for at least an hour I suffered with the one on top of another contractions until I thought I may pass out. My mom encouraged me to get an epidural because lets face it...I was in bad shape! I'd like to think that if the contractions weren't one after the other I could have handled it but..We'll never know!
So I consented. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me an epidural and it was wonderful! He was so good and sweet and everything went off without a hitch. I'm thankful I got a wiz at epidurals that day cause I had enough craziness already going on! My mom held me and coached me through the on going contractions while the epidural was adminitered and being the sweet gal I am I let my hubby watch, because I knew he wanted to watch! He's crazy like that. :)
After the epidural kicked in I felt awesome! I highly recommend them except for the fact that epidurals are known to make your blood pressure drop. Which in my case was good...I needed it to go down! But it was bad...Cause bebe's heart rate started to decrease. Around 2 the nurse came in and checked me...I was still at an 8 and the baby wasn't engaged at all. For those of you who may not know what that means...It means bebe wasn't ready to come out! His head wasn't engaged or down in the birth canal where it should be when it's getting close to that time. So between his not being engaged and his heart rate decreasing the Dr. was called in to asses the situation. He checked me and tried to see if there could be something done to get little man down but he was NOT ready to come out. So with a dis-heartening look he told me he was sorry and that we'd have to perform a C-Section. My heart broke...
I knew there was a slight risk of a C-Section, but I honestly hadn't prepared for it to be me nor had I imagined it would ever happened! I knew generally about a C-Section but I never imagined. I was completely heart broken and just began to bawl. I felt ashamed...I felt as if I hadn't done it...I remember looking up at Robby with tear filled eyes and asking him if he'd still love me if I had to have a C-Section. He said of course...He said all he wanted was our son to be born and me to be okay. He admitted to me later he was scared out of his mind about me having a C-Section, but he didn't admit that at the time.
I was prepped and wheeled in and at 2:26PM my little 21 inch 9lb 3oz baby boy was born. I remember holding Robby's hand and listening to everything going on on the other side of the "veil" and hearing that little cry for the first time. I just started to bawl and when they held him up for me to see I really lost it! All I kept thinking was, "He's here! He's here and he's crying!" It was surreal...
I remember once they had him all cleaned up they brought him back in for me to hold (With my one free arm ha) and I remember him crying as they brought him in and as soon as they laid him down next to my face I started to talk to him and he immediately stopped crying. I like to think he heard his mommy's voice and it just calmed him. Cause that's how it seemed...Ah...He was perfect! 9lbs may sound big, and he may look big in pictures, but he was our little guy. Oh my he was perfect and I was so anxious to hold him and feed him and bond with him! One of the things that upset me the most about not delivering him vaginally was I had envisioned the moment he was born them placing him on my chest and just holding him. I had heard and read so much about how it's important to bond with them immediately and I just felt heart broken when I realized that wouldn't be a reality anymore. I worried I wouldn't be able to bond with my baby and that I wouldn't love him or something stupid like that. But after those first couple minutes I can't imagine being more in love with him than I was. I just can't!
Being that I had a C-Section I was required to stay at least 2 days for monitoring and healing. I would have gladly stayed as long as they wanted me to looking back now, but at the time my mom was only going to be there for a short time and I really just wanted to get home so she could help me with the bathing him and what not. Due to my stupid blood pressure being so high they wanted to keep me longer for monitoring and to try and get it to go down, so I ended up staying in the Hospital from the 9th to the 13th...I was SO ready to go home by then! But like I said...Looking back..I would have stayed longer! The bed was a lot easier to sleep on and get in and out of than at home, free room service, and free meals prepared for me with constant care and monitoring was pretty good looking back!
So if any of you actually read all of that there's the story...I remember after he was born people asking how much he weighed and when I'd tell them they'd be like, "Woah girl good for you! Big boy to push out!" I remember feeling so ashamed and embarrassed that I had had a C-Section that I would just go along with it and be like "Yaaa..." I didn't want to admit that I had had a C-Section. I felt like having a C-Section made me less of a mom or woman because I didn't push my baby out and labor to get him in this world. I almost felt like...Like I didn't deserve him cause I didn't work to get him in this world. To this day I am still struggling with feelings like that. That's why I'm writing this right now because at least once a week I think back and wonder what if...What if I hadn't been induced...What if I had waited and things had gone differently and I could have had him vaginally. A part of me feels like I was robbed of my right to birth my child. I feel so much sadness and bitterness at not getting to birth my own child. I will say this...Pitocin is for the devil and I will never be induced unless it's highly encouraged by my Dr! I'm going to give it my all to have my next baby vaginally and I'll wait well past my due date if permitted to have my baby! I know a lot of people who have had babies vaginally might not think it's that big of a deal, or even women who have had C-Sections. But I just can't seem to shake this feeling of feeling less of a woman and feeling like I didn't do it. I really wanted to prove to myself that I could hack child birth and now I'm not sure if I'll ever get the chance...I've just really been struggling with these emotions the past 6 months and I sure hope someday I shake them...I'm so incredibly thankful for my son and love him to death! He is my world and I'd do anything for him but how he got in this world is just not how I envisioned it.
