I'm...

This weeks been a real kick in the pants for me for multiple reasons...But here's a comprisement of my thoughts this week...

I'm going to do this! I can do this! I NEED to do this!
Ugh I will NEVER have anymore kids! This ones too much!
Poor baby...I just wish I knew what was wrong with him...
Oh my lanta no more babies! Gaaaa!
He's so precious...I can't wait to have more. I'm like an addict!
Think pink think pink daddy! We want a baby sister! (No we're not trying but I'm already going through spurts of wanting another)
What's wrong with him!?
Oh look...He pooped! Yay!
Noooo moooore kids! He's so frustrating!
Ugh, I'm so fat! I'll never get this weight off!
I wish I had a gym right in my livingroom...Then I could do this.
How on earth am I ever going to get this weight off...
I'm so un-attractive...How can my husband even stand me?
If I could just get this weight off I'd never put it on again...EVER.
Soooooo fat....Bleh!
I wish I had a partner who was in this with me...
I wish I had a husband who wanted to lose weight...
I wish I had a gym I could go to.
How on earth will I ever get this weight off when life's just going to get more and more hectic?
I wish I had someone to motivate me and do this with me...
How am I ever going to lose this weight.
I'm going to workout...But I doubt it'll make a difference.
This is hard...What if I slide back down and fail?

Okay...That's a compilement of my week...And it's only Thursday. I've been really struggling this week with food and exercising and just feeling FAT. I feel so incredibly disgusting and tell Robby frequently I don't know how he can even stand to be around me or be attracted to me. I'm just plain gross....Bless the man for loving me and wanting to be with me even at my worst...My bodies been through so much and has so many scars to bear that standing in front of the mirror (naked) is hard...There's just SO much not going for me. It's been a frustrating week feeling alone in this journey as well...Robby's busy and so he's head is certainly not in the weight loss game. I just feel frustrated and alone. Having a fussy baby all week hasn't helped my case either. He's been having tummy issues so we're trying to work those out. Hopefully we'll all have a better weekend and next week. Hopefully by then I'll get out of my funk before I pack on the 10 pounds I worked so hard to lose...Here's lookin' to better times!

Also...Last night as I rocked my sweet baby before bed; he cuddled snuggly in my arms with his little legs wrapped around my round tummy (it makes for a great cushion to set him on) I just reflected on being a mom.

I NEVER envisioned it being so hard!
I NEVER envisioned it being so rewarding!
I NEVER envisioned myself loving someone as much as I do. He is my heart and soul, he is my everything!
I NEVER envisioned this being so trying and difficult! I knew it'd be hard...I knew I wouldn't get sleep or, whatever...But I NEVER knew how much time and frustration would go into being a mom.
I NEVER envisioned feeling more proud and happy to be someone's momma.
I NEVER envisioned one little smile bringing so much joy to my life. 

Being a mom has been a huge reality check for me. Until you're a mom you just can't even IMAGINE how hard and difficult it'll be at times. You also can't imagine how wonderful, blissful, and rewarding it will be also. I'm so grateful for my little man and all the tears, laughter, joy, and love he brings into our home. Oh how I love that sweet baby boy!

My world.