18/30: Forgiveness

18/30: What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

Myself. Plain and simple. I am terribly un-forgiving at times but extremely when it comes to myself. I put the most pressure, expectations, and criticism on myself and leave no room for excuses. Without going into too much context or detail, which I'm more than comfortable at doing but feel like this isn't the time or place to divulge everything, I'll explain the hardest instance I ever faced in forgiving myself.

Like most teens I only had about half my brain developed. I truly truly believe teenagers are missing part of their brain until they are matured to at least 20, myself included. I was terribly stupid and like even some of the good ones I was trying to find myself and figure things out. I did some sinful and stupid things which I'm not proud of. I won't go into detail but I will say nothing sexual, just dumb shameful things. I beat myself up for years and years and YEARS over the things I'd done. I felt dirty and felt like I'd never be worthy for anything. I'd pray and pray for forgiveness and hope that God would take me into heaven someday. I always joke with my husband that the only reason I'm getting into heaven is if they let me sneak in with him. It's a joke...kinda...

It was coming up to the time I was going to get married. For those of you who may not be familiar, to be married in the Temple you have to go through an interview with your Bishop. I was dreading this because all I could think about is everything I had ever done wrong. I just knew I was going to be cast out of my church, and wouldn't be able to get married. We began the interview and I just burst into tears. I regurgitated everything I'd ever done to him and just bawled. He asked me a few questions regarding when, if I'd prayed, if I'd ever done those things again, etc. When I answered everything appropriately I'll never forget what he told me next. He said I had been forgiven, and that I just needed to forgive myself. I just bawled. For YEARS I had been beating myself up over things I had probably already been forgiven of. I just held myself to such a high standard that I felt like once a mistake always be damned or something. I remember feeling such a weight lifted off my shoulders and though it was hard, I forgave myself. I forgave myself for being human and making mistakes. I forgave myself for being imperfect.